Peter Has To Go
by c0ntxgious
Summary: Olivia's got a new boyfriend, and Elliot has to find a way to get rid of him soon, before things with them pursue! One-shot. R&R please this is funny, & E/O-ers, there's a reason that this story is PARODY!


**Disclaimer: I don't own anything at all whatsoever, even though I wish I did!**

** AN: WARNING:There is a reason that this story is PARODY! If you are not okay with me making fun of the way E/O stories sometimes tend to get silly, then do not even bother reading this! And by the way, just so you know, I am a HUGE E/O shipper, so I would NEVER try to offend any E/O-ers similar to myself. So please do not take this story seriously or personally, it's just a silly one-shot.**

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><p>Elliot wasn't sure if he could make his eyes bulge any wider. He was just pushing them out as far as he could. He felt his left eye twitch and he tried not to blink. He was squeezing his teeth together as hard as he could. Peter was staring back at him, but his eyes weren't bulging. He didn't look very scared. Elliot needed to scare him. Why wasn't it working? He needed to scare him, but he couldn't threaten him. Then Olivia would know that he was trying to get rid of her boyfriend. He couldn't let her know that. But he needed to get rid of Peter. Olivia <em>couldn't <em>have a boyfriend. She just couldn't. Elliot had found out this astonishing, horrible news yesterday, and ever since then he had been thinking about how to get rid of the guy. This morning, Olivia had brought Peter to the precinct to meet Elliot. Olivia had left when she got a call and was needed, leaving the two men alone. Elliot had immediately taken advantage of the opportunity, but bulging his eyes out really big didn't seem to be freaking Peter out at all.

"So you're dating Olivia?" Elliot asked.

Peter nodded and smiled, but his smile was obviously forced.

"Well, would you like some advice on her? We were together for quite some time. I mean, we were together for the longest she's ever been with a man, anyway," Elliot said, smiling warmly, letting his eyes relax instead of continuing to bulge them.

"Uh...really? How long were you with Olivia?" Peter asked.

"Nearly a month and a half," Elliot stated proudly, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

Peter squinted at him. "That's the longest relationship she's ever had?"

"Well...yes. She kind of likes to move from guy to guy, because she just really gets sick of people very quickly. It's just one of her many good traits," Elliot replied.

Peter crossed his legs and darted his eyes around, not knowing what to say.

"Anyway, would you like some advice? I mean, after all, I know the most about her. And maybe if you take my advice, you'll be lucky and get a full two months out of her! Wouldn't that be amazing?" Elliot asked.

"Um, yeah. I'll take some advice."

"Okay, well, what kind of advice? Do you want to start out with what she likes in bed?" Elliot asked.

Peter's eyes widened but he blurted out, "Y-Yeah."

"All right. Her main thing is that she likes you to hold her eyes open, because sometimes during the whole thing, she just closes her eyes, but she doesn't like that; it just happens on instinct. So she really appreciates it when people _force_ her eyes open during the sex. Just hold her eyelids open with your thumbs if you can manage," Elliot said.

Peter stared at him. "You're not...joking...right?" he asked.

Elliot furrowed his eyebrows and looked shocked. "Why would I be...joking...? Is there something funny about it? I thought you wanted advice," he said with a completely straight face.

Peter looked down and then back up at him, clearly still weirded out. "I do. I'm sorry. I just thought it was a little odd," he said.

Elliot nodded. "Well, let me tell you, Pete. Is it all right if I call you Pete?"

"No, I go by-"

"Olivia really is a little odd, Pete. She just is, that's the way it works with her. So what other kind of advice would you like?" Elliot asked.

"Um...what can I get her for a present?" he asked.

Elliot nodded and smiled. "This is my very favorite thing about her. She loves cactuses. She absolutely loves them. I guess I like them a lot too, that's why I'm so glad she likes them. It's never hard to get her a gift, because I always know to get her a cactus," he said.

"Is there anything else she likes?" Peter questioned.

Elliot thought about this. "Well, for one thing, she really seems to like inscence. You buy them at any Earthbound store, you know, like the stores for the old hippies, and you light them up, and they smoke up your apartment. But she loves them..." he said, shaking his head in deep thought.

"_Anything_ else?" Peter asked.

"She kind of likes Atlases too. She really likes to flip through them, her favorite place to study is southern Russia, she seems to have a bit of an obsession over it. But really, if I were you, I'd just stick with the cactuses. They're truly her favorite thing."

"What the hell does she do with cactuses?" Peter exclaimed.

"Well, for a while, she would store them in the back of her closet, but one time she had a guy over and he stepped on one and nearly lost his whole foot after they ended up in the hospital, so I think she stopped keeping them back there. But make sure and watch out in her closet, just in case. Nowadays, I think she just keeps the cactuses for a little while and then tosses them out when they begin to look old. She still loves them very much though," Elliot explained.

"Okay...does she want kids?" he asked. "I love kids."

"Uh, no. She hates kids. She tries to be good with them, but they just turn away from her. She hates them. She once called them "vicious little twits" and she said that the purpose of Hell was to contain children."

Peter looked down. "All right. What's her favorite music?"

Damn it, he hadn't gotten that one down in his head. "Um...Robert De Niro..."

Peter glared at him. "That's an actor."

Elliot shook his head. "Oh, yeah, I don't know why I said that. That's not what I meant. She did like somebody named Robert, but I don't know why I thought it was De Niro. But mainly she loves the super old stuff. I'm not talkin' 80's, I'm not even talkin' 70's or 60's. She likes the _way old_ shit. She goes back to the 1920's. Her favorite is Louis Armstrong. See, she's got bad OCD. She tries to hide it, and she's really pretty good at it, but at one point in time, she was totally obsessed with Louis Armstrong. Her favorite song by him was 'What A Wonderful World'. And she loved him so much that occasionally, she'd try to make her lips look all messed up like his are."

Peter shook his head in distaste. "What's her favorite television shows?" he asked.

Elliot didn't have to think about this answer. He had it down already. "Oh, Olivia just loves to watch television. Her favorite shows are Sarah Palin's Alaska, The Real Housewives Of Miami, Storage Wars, Hoarders, Gene Simmons Family Jewels, and especially Walker Texas Ranger."

Elliot wondered if Peter believed him or not. He looked like he did, but he could never be sure. Peter could very well be thinking that he was insane right now or that he was lying to him. Elliot just hoped that Peter believed him.

"Um...All right, well, I guess it's time for me to go. Thanks for the-"

"No! You can't leave yet. There's still some very crucial things for you to know about her. If you want to last with her at all, there's things that you've got to know. First of all, you have to know that she's terrified of planes. She's just terrified of them. If you even speak about them at all around her, she completely loses it. Don't even talk about them. One time I was on a plane with her, and she went all berserk and broke an airplane window with a Sprite can. I think that was the beginning of her big fear of airplanes. So anyway, she's scared of airplanes, which means that you guys can't really travel unless you drive and take boats. Another thing you've got to know about her is that you can't let her watch shows with characters who have an English accent. I mean, I guess you _could_ show it to her, but most of the time when she sees shows with English characters, she begins to talk like them. She'll say things in British English and it takes her awhile to switch back to American-style speaking. It gets extremely annoying with her running around all, 'Cheerio, good man. I think I harmed my rump. Come here, lad.' She just really gets into it. Also, Olivia was schizophrenic about two years ago, and she was admitted to a mental hospital for about three months. But when she got out she seemed fine. Just know that she still is borderline-schizophrenic nowadays, and sometimes she gets really suspicious of people. Like, just the other day, she accused me of stealing her orange glow-in-the-dark vibrator. But I was like, wow, Olivia, that's so ridiculous, why would I steal your vibrator? So, yeah, anyway...just remember that if she accuses you of anything, it's completely normal, that's just Olivia."

Peter's eyes were so wide that Elliot thought they might fall out. "O-Okay."

"Oh, and just one more thing before you go. Make sure you don't tell her that I told you all this stuff. I mean, don't be stupid. Obviously it's so lame to get advice from the ex-boyfriend. I just helped you cheat your way into an awesome relationship with my wacky little partner. Or should I say big partner? Did I mention that she used to weigh nearly 300 pounds? She lost a bunch of weight, but it was just recently. I'm not sure how long it will last. Anyway, good luck. I hope you guys get along really well and have a great relationship," Elliot said sincerely.

Peter stared at him. "Okay. Thanks. Bye."

Elliot watched as he stumbled out of the room. He kind of thought that what he had done was funny, but then again, he felt a bit guilty.

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><p>"Elliot?" Olivia asked, walking into the precinct. It was late and Olivia had obviously expected Elliot to be gone by now. But there he was, sitting at his desk doing paperwork. He looked up and saw Olivia, whose face was more red than usual. He also noticed that her eyes were blood-shot and she looked upset.<p>

"Hey, what's wrong, Liv?" he asked.

"Nothing. Nothing. I'm totally fine, Elliot," she replied.

"What? No you're not, you look like you've been crying," Elliot replied.

Olivia sat down at her desk and put her head down. "You know I don't like opening up to you! You know that I'd much rather sulk around and pretend like nothing's wrong with me! Everybody knows that it takes a while of convincing before I'll tell you all my problems!" she screamed.

Elliot felt tears falling out of his eyes. "I'm so sorry, this is all my fault. I'll always blame myself for your sorrow," he said.

Olivia stood up. "He broke up with me! Peter broke up with me! And you know what the worst part of it all was? The last time we had sex, he held my eyes open, and when he broke up with me, he gave me a _cactus_ as a good-bye present! Who the hell would give somebody a _CACTUS_ as a break-up present? And you know what else he gave me? He gave me a Louis Armstrong CD! I don't even know who Louis Armstrong is!" Olivia bawled.

"You pronounced his name wrong! And Olivia, I lied on your behalf. I lied to Peter so he would break up with you. But it was all because I love you! It was all because I didn't want you to be with another man!" Elliot confessed.

Olivia gasped. "Elliot! I never thought you could do something like this to me! He was my shot at a good life with a good boyfriend! How could you?" she roared, crying harder.

"Because I love you! And I'm sorry, Livvy!" he said.

Olivia smiled. "Okay, I forgive you," she said.

Elliot grinned. "Oh, thank God! I'm so glad! I love you so much, Olivia Benson!"

"Let's go get married and have babies now, even though we'll probably lose our jobs! Oh, and by the way, make sure you watch out when you go in my closet tonight. My cactus is back there somewhere."

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><p><strong>AN#1: PLEASE REVIEW!<strong>

**AN: Okay, so once again, this was PARODY. Nobody take it seriously, please. I am a HUGE E/O shipper, and I wouldn't ever try to be rude to any fellow shippers. This was just a joke of how sometimes in E/O stories, things just work out too perfectly to have a realistic aspect, and how sometimes things with E/O-ers get a little over-the-top to the point of silly. I'm not making fun of any particular E/O writer, I've made things that were over-the-top too before. Anyway, this isn't meant to offend anybody. Please review for me! (:**


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